Sommersegeln (Summersails) (After Baroness Elsa von Freytag-Loringhoven)

Bright
Flout
Fade-
Crispybleeding-

Flutterend-
Crease-
Marbled-
Spilt
Crystalline-
Inkbowl-
Gaudmottled

Whooooshhh!
Brr!-Brr!-Brr!

Licht!
Hooray!


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DB/9.2019

Let's All Stand on Bosie Douglas' Stoopid Prettyboy Mug!!!

ANNE BONNEY (irately): This is what we're here for?! This?!! THIS?!!?

OSCAR WILDE: I think this is pretty neat. He was a complete bastard, anyway.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT: Totally.

CLEOPATRA: Oh, you two!

BLACKBEARD: Oi, we arter at least be happy we're doin' somethin' new for a change! 'Cept Innocent, o' course, who's got somethin' agin'st-(yells off) hey, Innie, what'd ye call them!

POPE (Not-So) INNOCENT III (with quivering vehement choler in his voice, off): Innocent!

BLACKBEARD: Oooh, that's right loverly, then! God really is love after all, ain't He? (aside) News to me, though.

I3 (angrier): No, my name is not Innie!

CHARLES DICKENS: Oh, don't bother about that, Innocent. Just let it go. (sotto voce) Goodness knows I've had to.

I3 (ignoring him): My name is Pope Innocent III, Vicar of Christ's Holy Church on Earth, to name but one of my many, many blessed titles and appellations, and I call them Sodomites, you filthy whoreson criminal, because that's exactly what they are!! Sinful, unrepentant, hellbound SODOMITES!!

BLACKBEARD (unruffled): Oh. Well 'at ain't bloody nice at all!

JESUS H. CHRIST (muttering): Why the hell do they even let him speak?

ANNE BONNEY: Okay, everyone quiet! So, Dan, this little do we have here ain't like the talks the other boys had, is it?

DB (yours truly, natch): No, ma'am. Sorry. I'm not quite ready to begin you ladies' dialogues yet.

MARIE ANTOINETTE: And will you be soon?

DB: Maybe a bit later than sooner, but yes, I will. Soon. I promise.

All of the women heave a collective, frustrated sigh.

CLEOPATRA: Gosh, what else is new?!

ANNE BONNEY: Fine. Until then...landlubber!

MARIE ANTOINETTE: Bete!

CLEOPATRA: Asp!

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE: Don't know why y'all gotta be so nasty to Dan here when Jesus and I-

JESUS H. CHRIST (angrily): Great Satan, Bets, do you always fucking need to wield my name like a Nerf bat to cudgel people into thinking they need to bow and scrape and beg for my forgiveness?! No, they don't! Dan doesn't! I'm not that kind of Christ and you know it! I thought you'd be better than that like your ultracool flesh and blood counterpart was! Just-goddamn it, just leave my name out of it for a change, willya? Dan is fine, he's awesome. He'll get to you ladies when he gets to you, like he said, and that's all he can do, can't he? Same with you, Alex, Oscar.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT: Oh, we can wait, right, Oscar?

OSCAR WILDE: Yes, we're not called 'gay' for nothing, you know!  (Although that may not quite be why...)

JESUS H. CHRIST: Wonderful. Look, Bets, I'm really sorry for snapping at you-

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE (hurt at first but buoyant, sincerely): Actually, no, Lord, you're absolutely right. I understand. Hey, Dan, short 'n' sweet...we're good. Always. Bless you.

DB: Aw, thank you, Bettie!

JESUS H. CHRIST (genuinely touched): Wow. Bets-Bettie-that was so-

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE: And hey, Innocent?!

I3 (ugly): What, whore?

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE: Love is love, believe it or not! It's just horrendously too bad you can't or don't feel any at all, unless it's for your God! Your God! Your loveless, vengeful, murdering asshole God! And though it may not be my love, my pity for you will just have to suffice, and right now I have about an ocean's worth of it just for you alone! Lucky you! (pause) INNIE!!

Everyone robustly applauds. I3 is quietly apoplectic.

JESUS H. CHRIST (awestruck): Woof! Wowee! Say, um...Bettie, I was just, um, thinking...do-do you still want to do-that certain thing we discussed before-? 

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE (saucer-eyed): Whoa! You mean it, my l'il Jay-Jay?

JESUS H. CHRIST: Absolutely!

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE (coyly): So am I ultracool now, too?

JESUS H. CHRIST (lovey-dovey): You're actually super-duper-ooper ultracool now, snookums! And you're not just my l'il Bettie Page-

CHARLES DICKENS: 'L'il'? Bloody hell, she's taller than all of us!

GIACOMO CASANOVA (aside, wryly): Or what I call, a challenge!

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN (aside, same): No kidding!

JESUS H. CHRIST (continuing, slightly irritated): ANYway, you're also my l'il (sticking his tongue out at the others) Betty Boop! (reaches up to boop her nose) Boop!

'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE blushes and bends over to kiss him.

CHARLES DICKENS: Question, Dan: you weren't expecting to snag a Pulitzer or a Hugo or anything with these writings, were you?

DB: Well, hey, it's probably more likely than you ever winning a 'Husband of the Year' award, Boz.

Most of the 'dolls' 'ooh' and laugh. DICKENS blushes, too, but from an obviously different reason than 'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE.

BLACKBEARD (very quickly booping DICKENS' nose): Boop, Bozzie! Har har!

SIGMUND FREUD (half-sincerely, to DICKENS): Wanna talk about it?

CHARLES DICKENS (in a low, teeth-gritting growl): No. Are we quite done here?

DB: Yes, I believe we are. Back to the 'Galley of the Dolls' with you all! (Damn, I am creative, aren't I?) Otherwise known as 'The Box'.

ANNE BONNEY: Hey, Dan?

DB: Yes, AnneYIPES!!

ANNE BONNEY: Strike two, boyo. Cherish the ladies, dig?

DB: Oh, I dig.

ANNE BONNEY: Goodie.

DB: Charles, I'm sorry-

CHARLES DICKENS (brusque): Used to it. Ta ta.

DB: Alright. Ta for now, all. Exeunt omnes.

 

            *sigh* "Yes, but what if you're not really alive to begin with...?"




DB/9.2019