"If you ever go into a shitstorm, you'd better have a toilet paper umbrella."
IF THESE 'DOLLS' COULD TALK
Number Three
Dramatis Personae
ANNE BONNEY, One of the Most Notorious Badass Female Pirates Ever
MARIE ANTOINETTE, Infamous and Unjustly Maligned Queen of France
CLEOPATRA VII PHILOPATOR, Eternally Renowned and Politically Shrewd Queen of Egypt
'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE, Ubiquitous Pin-up Queen/BDSM Model Scantily Clad As Cleopatra Just Like She Is In The Graphic Novel I Own And May Show You A Picture Of It Later
Subject: HARDSHIPS
CLEOPATRA VII: ...and speaking of grabbing booty, Anne, I think one of the guys goosed me the other night.
ANNE BONNEY (shocked): You're kidding! Who was it?
CLEO VII: I don't know. I felt more surprised than angry, though.
'CLEOPATRA' BETTIE PAGE: It couldn't have been my Jay-Jay. He's not that kind of man at all!
MARIE ANTOINETTE: I'd like to say it wasn't my Benji though he can be so saucy with the ladies anyway. Still I don't think he's too big on pinching buttocks. That's really tres gauche!
AB: Again with the French, Marie?
MA: Just wanna stay in character a little, Anne! I don't complain that you really ought to have an Irish brogue, do I?
AB: No. (sighs) Fine, I won't say another word about it.
MA (curtseying clumsily): Merci, madame!
'CLEO' BP: To that point, Anne, why don't you talk like a pirate like your Blackie does? You know, the standard "Arr! Yarr! Prepare ta be boarded, ye scurvy dogs or it's Davy Jones Locker fer ya! Yarrr! Yo ho ho an' a bottle o'-"
AB: Yeah, I got it, Bettie, jeez! But to answer your question it's mostly the male pirates who talk like that anyway (thank goodness). Also I truly, truly believe real pirates NEVER talked like that, ever. Also it's just really fucking annoying and cliched. So there you go.
CLEO VII: Ahem! Getting back to the gooser, ladies, I ought to say I know it couldn't have been my Alexi-poo! He'd never-
AB: Really, Cleo? "Alexi-poo"?
CLEO VII (defiantly): Yes! Hey, he likes women too, you know? And we're both blue-blooded royals, so...yeah, we're a thing. Really.
MA: Well, seeing as how we're all in the same Box, ma cheri, I'm sure I would've noticed much of you two getting it on of late.
CLEO VII: That's because you haven't really looked, have you? Really seen us! Also we can be really, really quiet, like two awesome sex ninjas swathed thickly in Cottonelle. And yeah, that sounds like it would be practicable at all but you can rest assured it would be, ladies! Oh yes!
'CLEO' BP: Golly!
MA: Eh!
AB (low on patience now): So who do you think might've pinched yer peach, Cleo?
CLEO VII: I already-wait, what?-no, I already said I don't know. And strange as it is to say this I believe most of them are perfect gentlemen to even attempt such a thing.
MA: No one can do it to me 'cause of all my skirts in the way. Besides Benji does all my groping down there. (sighs) Ah, such manly groping...
'CLEO' BP: I lie down so my butt's facing the Box wall and I'd catch them first, break their hands and then Jay-Jay would send them straight down to burn in the fiery pits of Hell where they'd melt for all Eternity! (beat, smiles wryly) Kidding!
AB: O-kay, then. Funny thing is I actually agree with you, Cleo. About the guys being gents. (a thought strikes her) And yet...and...yet...no...no, there's no way it could be (laughs) him!
CLEO VII, 'CLEO' BP, MA (severally and eagerly): Who is it, who do you suspect, Anne?
DB (Maestro of Dialogue): Hello, hello, ladies! Here I am, as promised, for 'Dolls' Number 3, at long last! Are you happy, Anne?
AB: Not now, Dan, we're discussing something! So-hey, wait a minute! Have you already begun this without us knowing?
DB: Guilty!
CLEO VII: Figures. Wanted to catch the hens clucking, huh?
DB: No, that's not it at all. It's kinda sorta part of this dialogue's subject: hardships.
AB: So you saved us women for that particular subject? I guess that makes sense. We don't really consider ourselves victims, though. Well, except maybe for Marie.
MA (ruefully): Victim of circumstance. But you already know that.
CLEO VII: Wait, you know who did it, don't you, Dan? He who pinched my (coughs) asp?
DB (too bloody coy): I know it's who you already suspect.
MA: Well, aren't you just too bloody coy?
DB: The guilty party will be revealed later. Now's the time for more discussions-
MA: About hardships.
DB: Yeah, about hardships.
AB: So just some more women's victimization shit.
DB: Oh no, not at all! You're all tough broads! It's just the subject I've set on for these dialogues. I can't imagine it had always been easy for you ladies so I figured this was a good venue for you to, you know, vent a little.
CLEO VII: Methinks he makes a fair point. I'm in.
AB (deep breath): Okay. And yes, Dan, I'm happy you're FINALLY doing this for us!
MA: Oui, moi aussi.
'CLEO' BP: Me, too. And despite being much a bit more taller and skimpier dressed 'Cleopatra' than you, Cleo, I'm not you, the real deal, so I'm just going to speak to my experiences as good ol' Bettie Page.
CLEO VII: Good, thanks, Bettie!
'CLEO' BP: So as you're writing this, Dan, strike the 'Cleo' part when you type my initials.
DB: Uh, ssure, Bettie.
'CLEO' BP: Like now.
DB: Okay, you got it!
BP: Thank you, sweetie!
AB: May we continue now?
DB: Right. I'll leave you ladies to it, then. Be back later!
AB: Yeah, I'll bet.
BP: So who's going first?
AB: Perhaps 'Their Majesties' can duke it out for that privilege!
MA: No, I think I'll go last. Save me for last. Yeah, Cleo can go first. If she wants.
CLEO VII: Sure, why not. So let's see, it was wayyy back in-wait, do I have give my whole goddamn rambling life story here?
AB: No, just the parts where you suffered the most, I guess.
BP: Hardships, remember?
CLEO VII: Okay. Well, you all know the famous story about how I wrapped myself in a carpet just to seduce the Julius Caesar, right? I had a son with him, was gonna marry him, but then he up and got himself stabbed to death a bazillion times. Poor sweet baby! But you want to know the worst part of all that? Do you? I'll tell you. Carpet burns! Really! All over! Oh yeah! No kidding! So trust me, ladies, when I say that you totally don't want to get those when you're totally naked in a rolled-up carpet! And if I could do it all over again for ol' Julie I'd seriously reconsider!
BP: Ouch! That all sounds awful!
AB: Don't know if I'd do all that for a man. (aside) If I even liked men.
MA: At least you actually wanted to marry him!
CLEO VII: Yeah, and he was an older gent but he had game, if you know what I mean! (winks lewdly) And you don't get to be Gaius Julius Caesar if you don't got some game!
AB: So that obviously wasn't a hardship for you, Cleo.
CLEO VII: Not by far. I actually loved the coot.
BP: But after the ol' late, great Julie came another of your famous lovers, and he was...drum roll, please! (all the ladies except CLEO VII mimic the requested drum roll) Marc Antony!
CLEO VII: Ooh, yeah, now he was a hottie! Not quite Richard Burton-y but I loved him, too!
And like with Julie we sure got my swank Nile barge a-rockin', bet your asp!
AB: Again, not a hardship, Cleo.
CLEO VII: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I gave him three kids and he gave me a bunch of sweet Roman territories. Of course those smelly, hateful old Senators would brand me a witch because of that!
MA: Nothing new there.
BP: Old as the hills.
CLEO VII: And of course Octavian-you'd know him better as Augustus, first ever Emperor of Rome (bastard!)-beat our army at Actium and we had to hightail it back to Egypt where he offed himself because he thought I betrayed him! (bitterly) That beautiful idiot!
AB: But you hadn't, right?
CLEO VII: Yeah! I didn't want to be paraded as a chained prisoner through the colonnaded canyons of Rome, no ma'am! That's what concerned me the most!
DB/2020
5/3/2023: It just occurred to me as I re-read this that you might be interested to know who might have groped Cleopatra in the Box.
It was Innocent, or rather Pope 'Not-So' Innocent III.
There you go.
