ANNE BONNEY: Ohhh, yeaaaahhhhh-
BETTIE PAGE: Um, hey, Anne?
AB: -aaaahhhhhh-
BP: Anne?
AB: -aaaahhhhhhhhh-!!!
BP: HEY, ANNIE!!
AB: HEY!! Didn't I say never, EVER to call me that, Bettie! Or should I say, Bets?!
BP: Oh, foo, ick, yuck, no! Not that name! But, Anne, I couldn't get your attention and that's all I could think of to say!
AB: Well, Bettie, next time just shout my preferred name really incredibly loudly in my ear!(demonstrates but not in Bettie's ears) ANNE!!! ANNE!!! ANNNNNEEE!!! Like so! Don't worry, I won't go deaf, but only once is enough, though, got it?
BP: Yeah, okay.
AB: Anyway, why did you so rudely snap me out of my lovely reverie? Because damn this is nice, isn't it?
BP: Yeah, well, actually something just occurred to me about this jacuzzi Daniel gave us to use.
AB: What's that?
BP: If this is a jacuzzi isn't the water supposed to be, like, bubbling and foaming and swirling like it's traditionally supposed to?
AB: Ohhh, yeah, you're right, Bettie.
BP: Also warmer, pretty sure it should feel warmer than this. Hot, even.
AB: Hmm. HEY, DAN, YA SCURVY SWAB!! IS THIS JACUZZI BROKEN OR SOMETHING?!!
DB: Ummm, no.
AB: YOU HEARD BETTIE, RIGHT?!!? MAKE WITH THE BUBBLY, BUB, 'KAY?!!
DB: You got it, ladies!
AB & BP: Oooohhhhh!! Ahhhhhh!!
AB: Nice!
BP: Very nice!
(Note to the curious(ly overcurious) reader: I blew on the straw long enough to take the pic...obviously.)
BP: Say, Anne?
AB: Yeah?
BP: Out of curiosity, but really just to start up some kind of a topic to kill off any lingering, awkward silences (note: obviously), what, if anything, do you admire most about the real Anne Bonney?
AB: Very good question, Bettie! Hmm. What do I admire? Well, probably that she got away with all her, um, let's say 'adventures,' deftly avoided the hangman's noose and then sailed off into the murky fog of History never to be heard or seen from again.
BP: Avoided the noose...after pleading her belly, of course, with her homegirl Mary Read.
AB (sits up, angrily): Hey, do you think any man wouldn't do the same in our place! Do ya?! Use the Belly Card?!! Men who get away with shit almost all the time anyway?! Hell no! Hell bloody no! Preggers or not, it always seems to work out for us, doesn't it?! Oh, and also there's that 'not wanting to die so horribly' problem I have too!
BP: Okay, okayyy. Not judging, Anne. Very last gal to judge, right here. And it's true, they would. But I can also understand pressing our advantage from time to time. To survive, if nothing else. (pause) But with so damn many of us survival can often be above all else.
AB (calmer): Yeah, I get that. Yeah. Thank you, Bettie. (sullen pause) You know we have really got to do better than falling for all the bad boys, or at least just collectively say no to them and freely give our hearts to the nice guys, even if some of them may be boring.
BP (slyly): So...'Calico' Jack Rackham...?
AB: Beautiful. Fiery. Un-boring. But in the end, a fool.
BP (thoughtfully, with a sigh): Another bad boy. Sometimes it's worth remembering that the key words in 'gentleman' are both 'gentle' and 'man.' And a lot of times that ain't a bad thing at all. They do exist, y'know, thankfully for us.
AB: Aye.
BP: Oh, what about when the real Anne Bonney exposed her breasts after she bested a foe in combat?
AB: Eh. If it were me I would've gone full-on topless all the time. Freed the girls. Give 'em lots of that bracing, salty sea air.
BP (stunned): Really?
AB: I don't know if Mary might've done the same, though. That would be more my thing.
BP: Yeah, but then you could never say to all those horny, filthy-minded pirates, "Hey, eyes up here!" 'cause they're lookin' down there all the time.
AB: Much easier to deal with them in sword fights, I bet. Like you said, press your advantage. Also I'd do all my business over the gunwale, if you catch my drift.
BP: Yeah, not a bad idea. Oceans are just big toilets anyway, aren't they?
AB: Mostly. But how about you, Bettie? Anything you love and admire about the first Bettie Page?
BP: I love that even as a Christian woman she was promiscuous but never considered herself a slut. Sex for her, like nudity, was God-given and all-natural, never shameful. Beautiful.
AB: Damn, that's awesome! Bless her forever and ever!
BP: Amen! Anne, too. Also I have to give Bettie props for doing all those super-sexy BDSM pics and films. True, they seem tame compared to the hardcore shit they've got today but they were definitely racy for their time. Gotta admire the bravery it took for her to do those. (pause) I'm so glad she and Anne never faded into obscurity or else you and I wouldn't be here.
AB: Oh, absolutely, absolutely! (sudden awkward pause) Soooo...Box talk?
BP (hesitantly): Um, actually I think I'm ready to get out now, Anne.
AB: Oh. So...you don't wanna talk about...
BP (tightly): Not...yet. Not yet. Some things are, um...best left discussed in the comforting folds of a warm, downy towel.
AB: Oh, my God, that's so true! Okay. HEY, DAN, YA BARNACLE BASTARD, WE-ah, screw that pirate patter, Blackie does it better anyway for his part-WE WANT OUTTA HERE NOW!!!
DB: No need to shout, you know, I'm right here.
BP (sweetly): We would please like to vacate this jacuzzi now, Dan, thank you very much. And wrap us in some nice towels, please. Oh, and thank you. Again.
AB: Yeah, what she said!
DB: Aw, thanks, Bettie! And Anne. It's as good as done!
BP: Ohhh, yeah, this is nice! Thank you, Dan!
DB: No problemo!
AB: I thought you were gonna garb us in some cheap-o paper towel carved outta some raped Canadian boreal forest but this is actually really nice, Dan! What is it?
DB: Bamboo. Reusable.
BP: Ooh, class-ee!
AB: Yeah, really nice! But it wasn't...pre-used, right?
DB: No, no, it's a brand-new sheet. Hope you two don't mind sharing.
BP: Not with my bestie I don't!
AB: Yeah...wait, wait-we're besties? You and me?
BP: Sure, Anne! It's just us here, right? I mean, I know I'm no Mary Read, and I like Marie and Cleo just fine for being the only other femmes to hang with in the Box, but...well, you and I just seem to click. Just like Jay-Jay and Siggy, Oscar and Alex. So yeah, I've really liked spending time with you. No, loved it. Yeah. So...do you agree...bestie?
AB: Just a moment, Bettie. (deep inhale) DAN, IF YOU MAKE ME CRY RIGHT NOW I'LL BURY ALL OF OUR ACCESSORIES IN YOUR EARS WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING, INCLUDING BETTIE'S STAFF AND ASP, AND THOSE ARE HELLA BIG!!! GOT IT!!??!
BP: You can be a bit irascible, but who ain't sometimes?
DB (flatly): Sure. Got it, Anne. No tears for you.
AB: Thank you. So. (voice cracking a bit, hems): So...bestie...no, that's really getting tedious now...so, Bettie...Box talk? Are you ready now?
BP (uncertainly): Yeah, I guess.
AB: You don't sound too sure.
BP: There was nothing much...well, no, there was something.
AB (snarkily): Okay, that narrows it down.
BP (testy): All right, Anne! Um...do you remember when Jay-Jay and Sig made it outside the Box a couple of times to do God-knows-what?
AB: Yeah. That was quite a while back, though, wasn't it?
BP: It wasn't too long ago, I think. Anyway when they came back they told us they thought they saw some...statues...standing around on some high plateaus.
AB: Ohh, yeah. Wasn't Innocent with them once?
BP: Mm-hmm. He saw them too, I think.
AB: And he lost his mind for a while. Came back ranting and raving about-
BP (in mock-horror): -th-th-the "White People!"
AB (chuckles): Yeah. The "White People."
BP: "Monoliths arrived straight from Hell!"
AB (aside): Methinks he plays his part too well.
BP (aside): Ooh, I love asides, don't you? Hi there, all of Dan's wonderful blog readers!
AB: Actually if they were white wouldn't Innocent say that makes them angelic or something, because (snorts) whiteness is supposed to equal purity and goodness, right?
BP: No, they're nothing like that.
AB: Are you scared of them at all?
BP: No, not quite, but I have a few concerns, mostly in just the not knowing who or what they actually are or what they're doing up there.
AB: Have you ever seen any of them?
BP: I may have caught a few glimpses when Dan was moving us around for that weird Bosie Douglas photo shoot. Have you?
AB: Same, but I don't have quite the same concerns you do. (pauses thoughtfully) Still...
BP: Yeah?
AB: Well, you always fear that which you don't know, right? So maybe you and I can embark on a future expedition to find out what's what and ease our-uh, your-concerns.
BP: Yeah, we could!
AB (aside): And hey, maybe even bring along two adventurous, acceptable males!
BP (aside): Love it! That and getting the chance to do another aside!
AB: Okay, so...I guess we're done here.
BP: For now.
AB: Hey Dan, you did right by us by finally doing this. A bronze medal may not seem like much but it's still a win, and a win is a win. So...*ahem*...thanks.
DB: Absolutely not a problem, Anne.
BP: Kiss, kiss, Big D!
DB: Aw, thanks, Bettie!
BP: So who's next? Oscar and Alex?
AB: Those guys are so laid-back and into each other I don't think they'd even care to be in Number 4.
DB: We'll see. But for now you guys seem dry enough now so it's back to the the Box. Jacuzzi time's over.
AB: Gosh, okay, warden!
BP: Aww. Can we do it again sometime?
DB: I'll never rule it out, but it won't be for a while. Besides you've both got an expedition to plan in search of those "White People," remember?
BP: Oh, yeah! Okay, let's go make a plan, Anne!
AB: Okay, tear, I mean take us away!
END
Meanwhile, elsewhere...long after this...on a different day...in another season...you get the idea...
OSCAR WILDE (singing): "The boy with the thorn in his-"
ALEXANDER THE GREAT: -copyright.
OW (chuckles): Hmm. Don't know why you brought your sword, sweetie, you didn't need it.
AG: Ditto your cane, honey pie.
OW (sighs dreamily, singing): "If you don't like me, then don't look at me-"
AG: -copyright. Sorry.
OW: No problemo, my big slab of manly Macedonian meat-cake!
AG: Okay, uh, my tall drink of Irish...spring...water...hey, Dan!
DB: Yeah?
AG: Is this how you think gay men do pillow talk?
OW: No pillows here but still a fair question.
DB: Well, I imagine some of them might.
AG: Hmmmokay. I, um, think we can wait a bit longer for our turn to 'talk.' What say you, Oscar?
OW: I'm feeling an absolute Sybarite right now so no prob for me.
AG: Cool! Say, Dan, before we go could you please take a pic of us just lying here in the afterglow of our supposed taboo carnal lust?
DB: Sure!
OW: We can't move anyway so you may as well, right?
AG: And can you include more of me in it whether you mean to or not?
DB: Absolutely!
OW: It's only fair; after all you are 'The Great,' Alex!
DB: Got it!
AG: Okay! So I guess we're done here, right?
OW: As far as I'm concerned. Maybe when we finally do this I can sing some actual Public Domain songs. Or sing a copywritten one without fear. (sings) Mad about the boyyy-.
AG: Nope.
OW (irritated): Coward!
AG (nonchalant): Yes.
OW: Huh?
DB: And now we're done here!
DB/3-5.2022
