As a Gen Xer I’ll be the first to tell you
frankly that, though I don’t closely follow trends popular with the
young’uns(well, mostly Millennials - sorry/not sorry Zoomers and Alphas),
trends like kombucha tea, avocado toast, TikTok and its really bizarre challenges, TAYLORSWIFTTAYLORSWIFTTSYLORSWIFT!!!!!!!
–that last one’s not a typo. I do have awareness of them, and I’m fairly indifferent
to, if not slightly annoyed by, all of them. I have not (yet) armed myself with
dual Super Soakers and a pile of Rubik’s Cubes for throwing (my secret special
weapons being black market Jarts) in a crotchety “Hey, get-off-my-lawn, ya damn
kids!” hostility against those young’uns and their likes, nor would I ever
because, as I said, I’m fairly indifferent. There is, however, a certain male
Millennial type that oftentimes flickers across the TV screen of my
Consciousness, a vivid icon of almost scuzzy machismo – not a type that’s too prevalent
among Millennial males, to be sure, but one that’s very familiar on sight: the
hipster.
I
don’t understand, nor really want to understand, the hipster, his mien, his
likes and dislikes, or even his overall relevance in American culture, and as a
Gen Xer that’s a perfectly sensible prerogative I have. Honestly, the depth of
my interest in understanding him
really goes no further substantially than a spoonful of ice cream delved out of
a full quart, but I don’t doubt for a moment that many of them are perfectly nice,
polite, socially aware gentlemen. I’ve seen enough of them, though, to create a
template for a curious hipster type I’ve created in my own imagination. It’s
true they don’t all resemble each other, though there are similarities in appearance, but for my hipster I’ll use those
I’ve already visualized and that are listed below. The difference,
unfortunately, is that I’ve wedded him to the gruesome specter of sexist Toxic
Masculinity.
And
you already know my bouncing baby boy’s name: Nick Duche (pronounced dooSHAY –
or so he says).
So without further ado, let’s begin with the
top of his head and move down from there:
1. The Man Bun - I do realize that many men
with long hair wear their hair up in a bun, or topknot, like samurai warriors did, for instance, yet
I’ve so closely acquainted it with hipsters (which it usually is, anyway) that
it permanently figures as part of Nick’s appearance.
2. Long Bushy Beard - Still a lot of
these even now.
3. Black Horn-Rimmed Glasses, but no
piercings anywhere on (or in) his head.
4. Black Crew Neck T-Shirt with the word
‘Monstre’ printed across the chest in Germanic gothic letters.
5. Colored-In Sleeve Tattoos (Both Arms)
6. Many Onyx Rings on Fingers - This is
a homage to the hip-hop group Onyx and their 1993 hit ‘Slam’, which he
considers the most macho song ever and, therefore, the greatest song ever
written.
7. Black Jeans where he keeps his loose
cigarettes and lighter.
8. (Mostly) Clean White Sneakers.
Now
that I’ve sketched Nick’s basic appearance, I want to give him a temp job at my
workplace, which is a library in the Village of L___ in the State of I___, and
though my job as shelver keeps me fairly busy, I’ve been at it for so many
years that it has become second nature to me and left me to sometimes do a bit
of daydreaming. Among my flitting thoughts was the possibility of a
flesh-and-blood Nick filling in for me as a temp for only one day.
What
better day to do that on than on Halloween?
Judging
from the above list of traits, it’s fairly simple enough to purchase what’s
needed to costume oneself as Nick for Halloween. One of the most humorous
features of his ensemble that I conjured up is a possible hollowed-out man bun
for him to stash his lighter and prop cigarettes. But I want to make it clear
that I would not dress up as Nick for
Halloween at my library, nor do I recommend any other male reading this do so,
either. It’s one thing to have the general look of a Millennial hipster, and
that’s it, that’s harmless enough, but it’s quite another to play out a role
that’s toxic especially towards women, of which my library employs many. Also I
wouldn’t do it even if my female co-workers had advance notice of this strange
and off-putting young man filling in for me on Halloween and approved of him beforehand
despite possibly triggering them with his leering advances, because my hitting
on them even in jest, especially as it goes against my introverted personality,
violates their personal space and my personal code of honor -- not to mention
that I just recently completed my annual Sexual Harassment online course. And as
far as harassment goes, one way I’ve thought of in making Nick look somewhat
non-threatening and ridiculous to a woman is when he attempts to approach her
in flirtation while man spreading, making him look like a bowlegged cowboy.
Naturally, this confuses her, or, just as likely, causes her to laugh, which in
turn makes him embarrassed, angry, and ready to throw off all physical
restraint against her. Then she’s well within her rights to shout for help or,
just as effectively while sitting or standing, give him a cock punch. It’s just
one more reason for even a good guy to not even try donning this toxic persona.
Before
I conclude this essay, I’d like to further elaborate on some points of Nick’s
character. For instance, his voice is brazenly loud and stentorian, startling
anyone he comes into contact with, the exception being when he switches it to a
low, oleaginous bedroom voice when being flirtatious. His job performances,
even for positions he’s qualified for, are generally good, depending on his attitudes
and interest in the job and for how long his co-workers can abide him. I’ve already written about how he would behave
towards his female co-workers but with any males’ attempts with bonding (e.g.
with bumps both chest and fist, or roaring out the refrain from ‘Slam’ – “LET
THE BOYS BE BOYS!!!”) and sharing his interests (among which are heavy metal
music and scantily-clad magazine models) without once inquiring after theirs
and even assuming they would share by dint of swimming in the same gender pool would
only serve to alienate many of them. But some positive aspects of Nick Duche are
a complete dearth of any racist and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes and his helpful,
pleasing demeanor when assisting patrons or customers, even winning them over
despite his appearance.
Also
he takes his smoke breaks outside, but that’s more lawful than common courtesy.
Nick Duche, as I have clearly indicated, is
my own imaginary figment, my own Frankenstein’s monster. Unfortunately in
reality Nick Duche comes in many different guises and exists anywhere and
everywhere, in any generation, from the avuncular, kindly old gentleman who
insists on unsolicited kissing and touching to the young man suspiciously tailing
behind a woman walking alone to any incel infesting the darkest corners of the
internet. Good men can be the antidote for aiding women how and whenever they
can, but good men can White Knight it only so much; good women also need to
take up sword and shield, so to speak, for themselves as much as for each
other. And when a woman finally, inexorably, grabs that Brass Ring in the game
that is Success in Life, she can refashion it for her finger, to use as a
potential cock punch. Just in case.
12/2023
