Thursday, March 19, 2015

Disappointed







Well, here we finally are, Freddie, 
at the Branwell's bloody dinner party
all the way out in bloody Kent, just like you bloody wanted!
And after we've just had one of the worst rows since, well, 
the one before it! Day before yesterday, I think.
But Christ, there really have been so many 
in the past ten years, haven't there, Freddie?
It's getting so I can barely remember the lovely times we had anymore.
And the Branwells were always your friends, too, yes? So I don't see
why I couldn't just as well have stayed at home and you
could simply have offered an excuse for me
instead of insisting I accompany you "for appearances sake." 
Really? So I'm to be the good, dutiful wife,
the steadfast little Helen, is that it? How pointless!
I mean, you really act as if they didn't know the truth, Freddie!
I've accused you in the past of telling them I'm to blame
and of course you'd always scoff at me about that,
but strewth! I know! 
You think I don't? 
They always take your bloody side!
And I know because I've seen it when they look at me
with their polite sneers,
and I can hear them talking about me 
even when I'm within earshot! 
And when they speak - or should I say, deign to speak to me
its always with a, I don't know, a cool familiarity,
not quite unfriendly but not all-embracing, either.
You've always fiercely denied that but it's true.
I've always always tried to be as nice and polite 
as I possibly can to them but...
What's really hurt me is you saying I'm the problem,
which-no, harping on it only makes me angrier.
But I know because once again I'm sitting
here alone at table with my thoughts
watching these succulent entrees being laid down
while you're standing at the bottom of it with the others 
telling those silly jokes and anecdotes
that produce that tepid laughter and applause
you somehow manage to believe
is always so boisterous and appreciative.
But it's really mostly that yipping Yorkie
who's your biggest admirer.


I must say,
just to mull over the positives for a change,
and there actually were some,
we did have some lovely times, didn't we, Freddie?
I rarely think positive thoughts about us when I'm here
but perhaps I'll give it a go now.
For instance do you remember our thrilling European honeymoon trip
and then a year later to, let's see, Mexico, South Africa, Ceylon, Vietnam,Tahiti 
and New Zealand? Extraordinary!
"I say, we have had the grandest of all the Grand Tours!" you roared at home, arms on your hips,
and I laughed and clapped like a silly schoolgirl on Christmas morning.
We were happy, weren't we, Freddie?
Always (well, almost always) happy together
though we could never produce any-no, stop it, Helen! 
Stop! Not that again! 
Think about something else!
Hum.
That glazed ham really looks quite delicious!
I should consider asking Edwina for the-
Oh, for Christ's sake, not that! Nothing so banal!
Something...ah! Worth a try.
Freddie, we are most definitely not a telepathic couple 
even after ten years of wedded hiss-I mean, bliss.
But if you could try to read my thoughts,
which you being an obtuse male I highly doubt,
I want to ask one thing of you
which I hope you'll grant me even now,
because I'd really love you to do it
despite the row we've just had.
Don't fret, it's nothing difficult.
I'd...I'd like you to just sit down next to me at dinner. Please.
Yes, I know there's no reason for you not to
because you were the one wanted
to keep up appearances here,
but I do hope you'll do it,
and I shall be more civil than I was before.
We needn't chat much
because I think we've hissed quite enough for one day!
Perhaps later we can talk it out again and make it better
like we've always done before.
I suppose I should try my best puppy pout on you.
You know it, right, Freddie? 
It's the one I coaxed you with
into buying a big slab of that heavenly Sacher Torte in Vienna 
a little before we had tiffin,
and we shared it with some cold milk 
and talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company
as we watched the sun rise 
over those glorious snow-capped mountains.
I think that was the best breakfast I ever ate with you.
I-I really loved you then. I did.
And now...wait, who's that woman you're speaking to?
Did she just arrive here? 
Late dinner guest, I suppose.
Very pretty. Bit too doting on you.
At any rate she seems fairly amused by your jokes
if I judge rightly from that squawking laugh of hers.
Strewth!
Oh! Now you're looking at me
but...that's a rather fixed, icy smile, I must say! 
Not a good sign. Don't like it at all.
All right, then, here you come,
and now here we go!

"Hello, Helen. No, don't speak, and don't use that damned fey pout with me! I detest it! I just wanted to inform you that that lady I've been chatting with over there is Clare, an old friend-no, I shan't lie, an old amour of mine that I hadn't seen for ages. Edwina invited her here without my knowing and, well, as long as she's here I'll be sitting with her at dinner tonight. I realize you'll howl, I mean protest vehemently and we'll just begin it again when we get home but...no, I'm tired. You'll just have to keep up your end of it, I'm afraid. So...ah! here comes a good girl! Look, Helen! Toffy here can keep you company if you feel lonely 'cos I know how much you love dogs. Isn't that nice? Well, that's it, I suppose. I'll be down there with Clare if you need me at all, but don't expect us to leave for quite a bit. Now I'm off. Bon appetite, Helen!"

 ____________________________________________________________
 

  About a hundred yards south of Branwell Manor lay a large pond situated between the rolling lawn and a massive swath of dark forest just beyond. To the east of it stood a uniform row of poplars with a rigid picket fence stretching alongside, gate-less except for a stile to serve as a short-cut from the demesne to the narrow road nearby, and vice versa. The pond was bordered here and there with cattails and tall grasses, the crickets flitting through them chirping their evening choruses in unison with the croaking frogs perched on their clusters of lily pads. This harmony went largely uninterrupted when suddenly there was a heavy thrashing about in the water that stopped minutes before the bright moon slid out from behind the inky clouds. Though Nature's music continued loud and undimmed and the pond itself reclaimed its former serenity, there was one difference: a woman's dress, undergarments and heels strewn across the grass at the pond's eastern edge.
 But no woman.
 Around the same time Edwina Branwell, her husband Dick and some of their other guests who remained after dinner looked on with smiles of approval at a couple swaying intimately to the gentle cadences of a phonographic waltz.
 Freddie and Clare's shared chemistry, they all agreed, was undeniable.



DB/c12/1997-1/98, 2015

Music: 'Our Frank' by Morrissey 











Ahh, that was a nice, unnecessary 
sort-of swim!
Feels odd and even a bit primal 
being naked out here like this,
so I should get dressed quickly
and tick off what I've done 
and what still needs doing.
Let's see:
I excused myself away from those awful people, 
rang him up,
successfully evaded that damned dog,
went out to the car,
used the extra key I had made
to retrieve my bag of extra clothes and shoes
I had stashed in the boot
(thank God I wasn't seen!), 
hurried over here,
put the bag over the stile,
stripped and strew my old clothes about,
had my cold, splashy bathe,
toweled off, just got dressed, leapt over the stile
and now...ah! I'm ready and waiting
for my second chance, 
and he should be arriving here soon.

I am sorry about this, Freddie,
the way I'm leaving you. 
Bit of a dramatic escape, I know, but there it is.
You'd never believe I'm sorry but it's the truth.
I'd rather not have done this at all
because a divorce would doubtless be more sensible,
though really heartbreaking for me,
but I need to,
and you've clearly shown me why. 
We were already near the breaking point
because lately there's been more hissing than kissing.
I was-hoping after tonight we could really try...
if you had just sat down next to me perhaps...
but...no, 
I saw how you looked at her. Clare, was it?
I saw, Freddie.
It was that old honeymoon love-light 
shining in your eyes.
I remember.
I once had it, too.

I-I hope you'll both be just as happy
as we'd been. For the most part.
Be sure to note my footprints right around here
before you dredge up this lovely pond
looking for my pale, naked corpse.
If you'll still care, that is.

Ah, here he comes.

For what it's worth,
I did love you.

I do love you.


Goodbye, Freddie.



















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