I
Chiswick, West London
July, 1929
Mary Montague lolls uncomfortably on a chaise lounge in her drawing room as a stifling Summer heat wave burns the golden London afternoon. The front door and windows are thrown wide open to relieve some of the intolerable heaviness indoors, and four tall oscillating fans blast strong waves of air from different areas of the room, their collective whirring as yet unable to drown out the sweet a capella soprano voice of Miss Lidia Belzoni of the Royal London Opera. She stands alone in front of a modest, off-white tiled fireplace with an oblong mirror set in a Rococo gilt frame hovering above it.
"My God, I really don't think these fans are adequate. Not even close," Mary sighs drowsily. "Probably should've bought some more, or even better one of those new electric cold air boxes. Then we'd be in the business! Still I must admit that it doesn't feel quite as bad in here as it did before. Ag, how are you over there? Cool enough?"
Agrippina 'Aggie' Dovecote lies prone on a matching chaise lounge across from Mary, her bare white arm draped lazily over her eyes. "Mm," she mumbles.
"Aggie? Did you hear me?"
"What?! No!" Aggie exclaims. "Too much doggoned fan noise!"
"Pfft! There's really not that much," Mary protests. "You just don't want to talk."
"Well, maybe this bloody infernal weather doesn't much put me in a talky mood, does it!"
"No, I suppose it wouldn't. Perhaps you'd like a Schmpf, Ag?" an undaunted Mary asks brightly, pointing to a covered deal table set up in front of the curtained sitting room. On the tabletop squats again the iron tub glutted with melting ice and bottles of wine, champagne and Schmpf beer. Only a handful of plates, glasses and cutlery are off to the side, the finger foods being unappetizing plates of wilting crudites and stale-looking hors d'oeuvres attracting some interested blue bottle flies.
Aggie removes her arm from her eyes and glares at the ceiling. "No, not yet! For God's sake, Mary, I just fucking arrived here not ten minutes ago! It's absolutely horrid weather outside! So all I really want to do is just lie down, take in these lovely breezes because there sure as shootin' aren't any out there and-" She gasps and covers her mouth. "Oh, damn!"
"What?"
"I'm being a rude guest, aren't I? Mary, I'm so sorry-"
"Don't you dare apologize, Ag," says Mary as she shifts her body to a sitting position in the middle of her chaise lounge. "I don't blame you for being cross. It really is quite a scorcher today, and you probably didn't even need to come, considering..." She motions to the vast, guest-less space around them save where Lidia stands but also where the naked, masked men of the 'Living Art' piece 'Titans of the White Nepenthe' are accommodating the usual group of 'Nepenthe' aficionados.
Aggie smiles. "No, I'm happy I came. I always am. Even more so now because none of them are here! Besides it gives me the opportunity to show off your birthday gift." She slowly rises and sashays in place while flaunting her peach-colored Summer frock. "I absolutely adore it, and the matching hat, too!"
"I'm glad you like them."
"I really needed a new dress. You did say it wasn't too dear, right?"
"Ag, I told you not to concern yourself with that! It's a gift!"
"All right. But I do want to thank you again for it, so thank you again, Mary."
"Of course! And again, happy birthday!"
"And again, thank you. Right, this is getting nuts. Now I'm going to sit down...no, actually now I'm going to go get a damned Schmpf! And after I do perhaps you can tell me about your own interesting...well, as dear old Ginny would have put it, ensemble."
"Yes, of course. Bring me one too, love, if you'd be so kind."
"Ugh! Why bother with any food at all?" Aggie says with disgust as she shoos some flies away from her head and opens up two beers. "Nobody will be hungry now, anyway. And they darn well won't want any of this."
"I know, it was all an afterthought. The cold drinks were a bit more important. And I'm really only expecting at the most Di and Addie to come today. I did want to invite back Ginny, Tim, Poppy and...and Teddy, but after last time..."
"We can discuss them later. First, ensemble. Here's your beer, nice and cold. Just the thing for such a hideous afternoon. Cheers!"
"Perfect! Cheers, Ag! And I did actually ring Ginny about a month ago to ask if she would still like come today but...something was odd. I didn't want to tell you, but-"
"No, Mary, I said I'd rather not discuss those people now. Please. It feels much too uncomfortable to think of them, not least because of the weather."
"Well-"
"Ensemble!" Aggie barks comically while clapping her hands. "Ensemble! Tout suite!"
"Merde! All right, all right! But first I really must ask, do you like it?"
Aggie kisses the air. "I love it! And I love that I'm having such a positive influence on you!"
Mary sighs breathily as she dabs the bottle all over her perspiring bare breasts before lodging it in the crotch of her grey pleated trousers. "Ooh, yes, that feels so nice!"
"Good. En-sem-ble!"
"Well, you remember when I told you back in April about missing wearing those trousers when I was George Sand at last year's party, right?
"Yes, of course I do. And I can plainly see that you have them on now, but why? What led to that and the semi-nudity?"
Mary gulps down some more beer and emits a little belch. "Oh, excuse me! I was sitting at my cluttered dressing table this morning and accidentally nudged off one of my cold cream jars. It was closed but it rolled down onto the floor and stopped just a little ways under my bed. I went to get it and just as I picked it up I happened to spot something I had absolutely forgotten was under there."
"What?"
"Daddy's old tin bath, the one he had back when he was a tough young Uitlander digging for gold in the Transvaal. He used it every night in his tiny pup tent to scrub off all the grime and sweat from each day's mining."
"Good old Bascom. Didn't he always pan the bathwater afterward for loose gold flakes?"
"You know he did. Anyway, I managed to get myself all dusty whilst pulling it out but it still looked just like I remembered it except for a few rust stains here and there. Then it suddenly occurred to me that...well, I hadn't dressed yet..."
"Are we close to the ensemble part yet?"
"Yes, Aggie!" Mary answers testily. "I had Cadwyn fill it water from the other tub. She wasn't at all happy about it, blathering on in Welsh with a smidge of English added, and I'm not quite sure but I think I heard in the guttural the words 'tyranny', 'plumbing' and '20th century'. Hmpf! It wasn't like she was filling up a bloody Olympic-sized swimming pool or anything like that! Just needed at least three or four bucketfuls!"
"How was it?"
"It was an interesting diff from a normal one, I'll say that much. Unfortunately all I really did was spend almost twenty minutes trying to get comfortable - first flopping about like a fish as I tried to sit in it whilst arching my legs over the rim and anchoring my wet feet in the carpet, then squatting down awkwardly and sponging water over my neck and back like a Degas model. All uncomfortable. Daddy must have been much more adapted to it than I am, 'cos in the end I just stood and dowsed myself with water. Quite nice, actually. Intimate. Might try it again sometime.
"What was Cadwyn doing this whole time?"
"Standing there gawping and being useless. Of course she'd never seen her mistress squirming and splashing about naked in a little bath before, or naked at all, really. I'd say she was mostly in shock. Remember she kept a housemaid's position here, not one as a lady's maid."
"'Kept'?"
"She gave notice after I had her blow talcum powder on me in the bathroom after I lightly toweled off. Oh, that feels so good on a hot morning! Shame it didn't keep. I suppose the last straw was having her hold these famous trousers open as I stepped in them and then informed her I was now fully dressed for the soiree, formalities be damned, and why not? But now she's gone and my bathroom floor is covered in talcum powder and I had to lay out those drinks and horrible food platters myself, because Cook is away on holiday, you know, and it's been..." She sighs. "But you know, the oddest thing is that I haven't missed Cadwyn yet, thinking she'll return any second now. And she really was quite a fine, hard-working maid, too. If I'd thought she was feeling that put-upon I'd have...well, perhaps a nice rise might've been in order. Damn. Then at about eleven those poor lads arrived to set up for that tiresome 'White Nepenthe' rubbish. And damn me if there wasn't tailing right behind 'em a queue of-well, you see them right there! Sniff snort sniff! Pathetic! But so far they're the only ones of the so-called 'creme de la creme'-"
"Sour 'creme', actually," interjects Aggie.
Mary laughs. "Exactly, who've shown up. Then the real class showed up in the shape of Lidia, who was a bit surprised I decided against an orchestra this time, but so far she's been performing wonderfully." She turns to wave at Lidia, who smiles and flutters her fingers. "No novelty songs, only arias so far. Mostly Puccini. I don't mind one bit. Beautiful. Then you arrived almost an hour late, as usual."
Aggie shrugs. "In my defense I completely forgot in all this mind-numbing heat how to wear my hat and shoes. Took me the better part of an hour to get it right. I must say, though, I really looked quite fetching even with these chintzy 'Merdes' on my head."
"You would look just as fetching wearing anything atop that noggin, Ag. Mad, but fetching."
"Aw, thanks! Incidentally did anyone comment on your ensemble when they arrived?"
"Not really. The 'Titans' gawped, Lidia winked. The others clearly have other interests."
"What do you think they'll do?" asked Aggie, nodding to the front door.
"Who?" Mary looks over to see Diana Dumont in a struggle to carry her partner-in-painting Floradora 'Adora' Canning through the doorway.
"Why, sweetie darling, this isn't our honeymoon love nest, is it?!" Adora gasps in feigned girlish shock. "It's already got people in it already, doesn't it?! And one of them's got her lovely wet bosoms out!"
"Ouch!" grunts Diana. "I say, you're quite right, my own, um, darling dearest honey pumpkin-oh, Christ! Perhaps it is-no, no, I've had enough, Addie! Don't get me wrong, you're light as a feather, but I'm already fatigued and it's really much too blazing hot for this shit! Playacting over! Down you go!"
"Fair enough, sweetikins, I mean, Di. Thank you! Now, time for drinks!"
"To answer your question, Ag," Mary says, "I'd say perhaps gawp, wink and grope!"
TO BE CONTINUED
