"Look!" whispered Baron Rumpe in horror to Lord Harry Coxcombe X as the former pointed to the dusky figure capering in the copse near Bloodsoake Manor. "There she is!"
"Where, where?!" exclaimed Lord Harry excitedly, his eyes searching the distant place Baron Rumpe was pointing to. He gasped. "I say! That's - no, it-it can't be my wife!"
Baron Rumpe sadly shook his head. "I'm afraid it is, my young friend. Professor Mesgali has transformed your beloved Lady Evelyne into a strange sort of primal mud woman, though her state of mind is not so much primal as it is, shall we say, juvenile. But the old devil had hypnotized her to act as such when he whispered the word 'Zoroastrianism' in her small, clean, pink, shell-like ear."
Lord Harry looked at Baron Rumpe. "How do you know all of this, Cedric?" he asked.
"I was there in the parlor when she was hypnotized."
"Well, then, why the devil didn't you stop him, man?!"
"Because he had momentarily stunned me with a blow to the head as I entered the parlor and then tied me fast to a chair. I awoke to unhappily witness Mesgali working his ghastly will upon Evelyne. After they both hastened from the parlor I struggled like a mad bull in my bonds and smashed the chair to pieces, thus effecting my liberty. I knew, of course, that you were due to finally return to Bloodsoake this morning, so I deemed it better to wait for you first so that you could stop him, you being our big strapping British hero of Bloemaritzburg Drift, Amandla Kraal and the Battle of the Little Koppie!"
Lord Harry turned crimson with anger. "We actually lost all of those battles, Cedric, and you know that!" he said harshly.
"Ye-es. But-but think on this, Lord Harry - you lost them all for England!"
Lord Harry suddenly struck a prideful pose, his head tilted towards the rising sun, jaw set, lips pursed and just slightly quivering. "That's quite true, Cedric! Still, Little Koppie - my God, that was just me and a huge bloody anthill, and it - no, no, not again! Get away, you little demons, get away! Ouch! Arrggh, no, it burns, it BURNS!!!"
"Harry, are you all right?! Are you having a traumatic transitory hallucinogenic occurrence?"
"What?! No! What?! Uh...n-no, I'm-I'm fine now, but - please, Cedric, just - never, ever mention that one to me again!"
"O-of course. Quite sorry, old boy. But returning to Mesgali, in the beginning I believed it was all some sort of a rather unfunny joke on the Prof's part but, well...here we are."
Lord Harry slapped his hand down on Baron Rumpe's shoulder. "You did the right thing in waiting for me first. I only just wish I had returned months ago." He gritted his tiny, pearly white teeth. "But all those goddamned Boers! And Zulus!"
"You mustn't blame yourself, Harry, it was war. But come, we must-"
"And Hottentots and Xhosa! My God, I didn't even know there were any bloody Xhosa left after they nearly all snuffed it back in the 'Fifties!"
"Harry, please! We must go at once to Evelyne and aid her however we can now that Mesgali is dead."
Lord Harry looked at Baron Rumpe again. "How do you know Professor Mesgali is dead, Cedric?"
"I've just seen him strangling himself to death in front of his bedroom window."
"Capital!" Lord Harry growled and spat fiercely on the ground, but suddenly realizing he had just sullied good old England with his sizable expectoration collapsed onto all fours and lapped it back into his mouth while also accruing bits of fescue. "I 'ope thuh bounderth rottin' in Hadeeth! Ptuh! Uck!" he sputtered as he rose back to his feet with Baron Rumpe's assistance.
The latter nodded. "I should think so. But now let us go and help your dear Evelyne without more undue hesitation."
"Yes, let's. And this time I shan't let her out of my sight again!"
Baron Rumpe rolled his eyes. He'd heard that before.
As they approached the copse where Lady Evelyne was the morning sun slid further over the eastern horizon and bathed the grounds of Bloodsoake Manor in a brilliant ochre glow.
"Evelyne!" gasped Lord Harry.
And indeed it was.
Her crass laughter echoed loudly as she cavorted fully naked in a wet patch of mud amidst the cool, shady enclosure of the leafy copse. Close by lay the unsettling sight of Baron Rumpe's deceased prize pig, the Kaiser, a knife hilt protruding from its right flank. Lord Harry was jolted upon seeing it, the Baron nearly fainting but manfully struggling with many coughs and harrumphs to compose himself. Lady Evelyne stood up and watched the two men approach the copse, her blue eyes wild and shining, filthy strands of her long raven hair plastered against her dingy face. She grinned and giggled idiotically.
"It's about bloody time you got here!" she exclaimed shrilly. "What were you two men discussing so earnestly of over there?"
"Y-you, dearest," murmured Lord Harry.
"Professor Mesgali's dead, Evelyne," said Baron Rumpe softly.
"Hip hip hurrah!" Lady Evelyne shouted joyfully. "And two more for that oozy bastard! Hip hip hurrah! Hip hip-!" And she substituted the "hurrah" with a loud fart, much to the men's chagrin. "Welcome home, Harry, by the way!" She stretched out her arms and lunged at him, but he leapt back, horrified. With a shrug she squatted down, clawed up a clump of mud and raked it through her hair.
"Cedric, she is not - I mean, none of that is her own - filth - is it?
"Oh, no, I should say not, Harry!" Baron Rumpe vehemently replied. "Just before I went to meet you I happened to spot her in the garden relieving herself in one of your grandfather's old wellies."
Lord Harry sighed with relief. "That, at least, is something like being civilized. Not at all ladylike, though, but better than - well, what I feared."
Lady Evelyne darted her arm up to Lord Harry, who recoiled once again. "Come and frolic with me, darling! The mud is so nice and cool, but do remove all of your clothes first so you can feel the full effect of it on your body." She giggled. "You'll have never felt so damned free in all your born days, it's wonderful and ever so much fun! So come on, Harry, darling, dearest. Hmm?"
Lord Harry looked sadly down at his shoes and said nothing.
Lady Evelyne pouted, then brightened. "At least have a bit of the Kaiser, Harry, seeing as how it must be quite near to breakfast time. No? It's really rather delicious. How about you, Baron, hmm? I must say you did a splendid job in keeping him nice and plump. I never had better bacon, even if it was raw!"
Baron Rumpe winced but, like Lord Harry, kept silent.
"You're not hungry either, eh? Well, then, Baron, would you like to frolic with me for a bit?"
He shuddered and turned deathly pale, but once more refused to answer her.
Lady Evelyne suddenly rose up and glared hotly at them. "Come on, gentlemen, say something!" she demanded. "What the bloody hell is your problem?! Have some fun for once in your lives, because you're both just such sticks in the mud! In fact I wish you two would be sticks in this mud so I wouldn't feel so alone here!" She squatted back down and spilled muffled sobs into her hands.
Lord Harry gritted his teeth once again; he just couldn't abide this tableau any longer. A thought suddenly struck him. "Do you know how to undo the spell Professor Mesgali has cast on my beloved, Cedric? Do you remember the magic word or words that could be the cure for her - condition? Because I want my little Evie back!"
Baron Rumpe gasped. "By Jove, I did! He confided it to me just before he escaped!" He frowned. "But he also announced that it has to be uttered in exactly his voice, or at most contain its frightful basso quality, and since I sound more or less like him I can make an effort - but I don't know if -"
"Capital, Cedric!" interrupted Lord Harry. "Go it, then!"
"But I don't know if I can do it, Harry."
Lord Harry again placed his hand, though more gently this time, on Baron Rumpe's shoulder and gazed deeply into his eyes. "Try, old friend, try. Not for me but only for my beloved Evelyne." He paused dramatically. "Your niece."
Tears coursed from Baron Rumpe's bleary eyes and trickled over his bushy grey whiskers, but he quickly wiped them away with a handkerchief and nodded in agreement. He moved nearer to where Lady Evelyne still sat crying, cleared his throat and in a chillingly deep voice intoned the word 'Msinairtsaoroz'.
"What the hell kind of a word is that, Cedric?" Lord Harry asked irately.
Baron Rumpe grinned. "It's 'Zoroastrianism' spelled backwards, Harry!"
"Huh!" Lord Harry spat on the ground again and keened like an ailing dog as he once again dropped down and lapped up the thick globule from the sacred earth. "That's thuh thilliest thing I ever heard, Thedric! Ptuh! Ick!"
"But it worked, Harry! Look!"
The two men watched Lady Evelyne slowly rise up, stretch, yawn deeply and blink a few times in the bright sunlight. "Oh, my goodness! What time is it? Uncle, what hap-HARRY!!" Lady Evelyne leapt towards her best beloved and knocked him backwards to the dewy ground. They clasped each other voraciously and traded rough, violent kisses.
"Is it you? Is it really, really you, my beautiful little Evie?"
"Oh, yes, Harry, yes, it's me! Are you really here at last, my love, after tarrying so long on that hideous continent?"
"Yes, yes, yes, an eternity of yeses! And I shall never leave you again! Never never never!!
"Oh, husband husband husband!!"
"Oh, wife wife wife!!"
"Haroom!! Ehrm!!" growled Baron Rumpe.
"Oh, uncle, I mustn't forget you!" Lady Evelyne cried.
"Here! My coat!" And Lord Harry wrapped his greatcoat around Lady Evelyne's body before she eagerly embraced Baron Rumpe.
"Welcome back to sanity, my dear!"
"Uncle, I am so sorry-!"
"Don't. It was Mesgali's doing, not yours."
"But the Kaiser!"
"You were not yourself when you...did that. Besides you matter much, much more to me right now than the Kaiser does! Are you quite better now?"
"Yes, I think so."
"But wait, Evie!" Lord Harry interjected. "You should see a physician right away if you've eaten any of the pig!"
Lady Evelyne shook her head. "I actually haven't, Harry, that was a lie. You can see he's still pretty whole."
Lord Harry made a quick inspection of the porcine corpse. "Hmm.Yes, he seems to be. It's just the one wound that seemed to get him right in the heart. But how on earth did this happen? Why did you kill him?"
"I-I can't quite remember everything I've done, it's all still a bit murky. I do know why I killed the Kaiser, though, but if I tell you will the both of you please forgive me, you especially, uncle?"
"Of course!" they exclaimed.
Lady Evelyne took a deep breath. "I hated your bloody pig, uncle (pardon my language). I could understand you diligently keeping him well-fed and mucking the shit (pardon again) out of his sty and all that, but singing him off-key Gilbert and Sullivan songs and reading those awful Henty novels to him at night was a bit much. If you remember, uncle, you and I were to journey to Bath together last week for my birthday treat. I really only wanted to spend a little time with you, too, before Harry's return, because you are the only family I have left in England...but the Kaiser always demanded your complete attention. So when Professor Mesgali hypnotized me into being, well, a bit wild I succumbed to my darker nature even as I felt...I don't know, quite lighter in spirits. And also in body after I shed all of my clothes. Oh, how absolutely freeing that was! But I remember hurrying down to the kitchen (I must've frightened Cook near to death, poor thing!) and grabbing that big kitchen knife from the rack just before I fled outside. I ran straight to the Kaiser's sty and flung open the gate. He must have been quite alarmed at seeing me advancing towards him in such a state that he tore out and made a bee-line here, squealing in fright the whole way, and I gave chase. He somehow lost his balance as he raced into the copse, slid into the mud there and landed on his side, too big to easily rise up again, writhing around and just...squealing so horribly that my first act upon reaching him was to give him one big hard thrust in his right side with my knife just-just to silence those awful noises! Of all the animal noises in Providence's blessed creation pig squealing is the fucking worst (pardon again)! Even in my state of mind I was amazed that he only shuddered and expired straight away. You needn't believe me, uncle, when I say this but I didn't have any hate in my heart for the Kaiser when I stabbed him. I know it was murder, not a kindness or mercy, and he wasn't suffering at all, just indisposed. But afterwards I seemed to forget about him as all I really felt like doing was to just muck about in the mud, and I freely admit I loved it. And why not, for a bit? It was good enough for the poor Kaiser. And then you gentlemen arrived at the copse and...well, here we are. Will you still forgive me now, uncle?"
Baron Rumpe's mustache twitched but he remained mute as he stared into his niece's pleading eyes.
"Uncle, are you all right? Please say something because you're beginning to frighten me!"
His face broke into a warm, relaxed smile and he gingerly re-embraced his niece. "Ahhh, he was just a pig, my dear, just a pig. Bred and fattened for slaughter and consumption. But you...you are my beloved nie-no, you truly are like the daughter I've always wanted but...all I want now is for you to be as right as rain, and to never, ever see you in that state again!" He rubbed clean a spot on her forehead and kissed it. "I both forgive and love you, my happy little Evie. Are you happy?"
"Oh yes, uncle, yes, always!" Lady Evelyne tearfully replied. "And I am better now, and shan't play the savage woman again. The spell is broken."
"Capital! Would you still like to journey to Bath with me in future? For your somewhat belated birthday treat?"
"Really? Yes, yes, of course, uncle!" she squealed with girlish delight. "Thank you very much!"
Lord Harry laughed. "But I believe you need only concern yourself with your morning bath right now, Evie! Shall we see to it?"
Lady Evelyne leapt into her husband's arms and pecked his cheek. "I was never readier for one in my whole life! Let's go inside. Uncle, are you coming?"
"N-no, my dear, I really must see to the Kaiser...one last time."
"Oh. Uncle, again, I am so sorry-"
Baron Rumpe smiled weakly and raised a hand in protest. "No, it's fine, Evie. Go with your husband."
"Shall we expect you for tea later, Cedric?" asked Lord Harry.
"Yes. No. I don't know," murmured Baron Rumpe. "I don't know."
"Right. Rum business. Quite sorry, Cedric. Well, I suppose we'll be getting back to Bloodsoake now. Ready, my love?"
"Of course," answered Lady Evelyne softly, her gaze locked on her uncle's stooped figure. Lord Harry hefted her up in his arms and began to carry her away from the copse.
"Oh, wait! What about Mesgali's body, Harry?" asked Lady Evelyne.
Lord Harry turned his head and spat for a third time into the grass. "Damned blighter!" he bellowed.
"Let me do it, my dear!" Lady Evelyne giggled as she squirmed out of his arms and like him also flung herself down on all fours and lapped up his spittle. "Ith ath good ath dew!" she exclaimed brightly.
Lord Harry grimaced. "That's a bit disgusting, Evie, but thank you. But I shall instruct old Bloate to make the necessary calls to the police after breakfast and they must dispose of him and his effects, if there were any. Bloodsoake must be fully purged of his presence."
"Good, I absolutely agree! Now take me up again, please."
"All right, up you come! There's my girl! Right, we shall see you at tea later, Cedric!" And Lord Harry carried his wife away without further interruption, though there shone in her eyes a wicked glee as she looked over his shoulder at the turbid mud patch.
Baron Rumpe stood limply, heedless of all except the Kaiser's body, which already was drawing a buzzing cloud of black flies, and his spilt blood birthing a reeking miasma in the rising August heat. The Baron gazed down at his beloved pig for quite some time.
Then he fell to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably.
DB/c1998.2014,15
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