IF THESE 'DOLLS'* COULD TALK
Number 1 of a Promising Series
*=action figures (usu. inaction figures)
Dramatis Personae
CHARLES DICKENS, renowned Victorian author
EDWARD 'BLACKBEARD' TEACH, infamous pirate
Subject: MATRIMONY
BLACKBEARD: Matri-wot?
CHARLES DICKENS: It's another word for marriage, Teach.
BB: Oh! Why don't 'e just say that, then? Yeh, wull I've 'ad fourteen wives an' forty childern in me own sweet lifetime! How's 'bout that?
CD: Lord! Really?
BB: Yeh, b'lieve it or not, Bozzy. It's like I'm a limey Turkish pasha or summat!
CD: Ha! A tremendous family to provide for!
BB: Hey, ain't that a line from that one Christmas story ye wrote?
CD: A Christmas Carol, yes. You've heard of it?
BB: Wouldn't 'ave said it if I 'adn't.
CD: But it's only one out of my many famous works, you know.
BB (sotto voce): Bet it's th' only one folks 'as ever read.
CD: Hm? What was that, Teach?
BB: Matri-money, Bozzy! (sings) Aann' me mistress is th' wide blue Caribee! An' we're part o' one big 'appy family!
CD: My God!
BB: Naw, I'm th' Devil! An' it's yer go. Yer gal's a big'n, right?
CD: My gal-my wife, my dear, sweet and only wife, is Catherine. She-had gained some weight, yes.
BB: 'Ow much over, Bozzy? Fifty stone? A hunnert stone?
CD: No, no, not that much! You're being ridiculous, Teach!
BB: Oh so? How many childern ya get outta her?
CD (testily): I didn't just get-! Hrm! It's ten. Ten blessings from my beautiful, blessed wife and from God Almighty.
BB: Well, well. Jolly good! Praise God! Not as impressive as me own brood but still blessin' enough, I'm sure.
CD: Thank you, Teach.
BB: But Lor', birthin' all 'em childrens musta done quite a number on yer Cat's body, eh, Bozzy? A wooman after ten childrens sometimes ain't quite th' same lookin' after a while, wouldn't ya say?
CD: Well-
BB: 'Course it all d'pends on a man's notion o' beauty. To each 'is own, yeh? Me, I bet I'd 'ave no trouble a-pushin' on that cushion, if ye get me meanin'.
CD (stunned): Wait, what...what did you just say?!
BB: Yeh, I think ye 'eard me.
CD: You-you-you...do you realize you have just offended me, Teach?! And my wife!
BB: Ah! So I s'pose ye'll be wantin' some satisfaction now, yeh? Wull let's see, I got a brace o' pistols 'ere, really a lot less'n I usually carry, and o' course ye see this fine cutlass in me 'and. But yer clutchin' that quill like ye c'ld scribble yer way out o' a duel, mebbe pen a more fav'rable endin' fer yerself, eh? Sorry t' tell ye hare'll beat tortoise here, slay tortoise an' oh, mebbe make some loverly tortoise soup! (cackles) So that's out. But 'ow's this-I beg th' pardon of yer good wooman, good Catherine, big, beautiful Cat, bless 'er 'eart, tho' she ain't now present. Honestly. But as fer you, Bozzy, I, 'o course, care bugger all about.
CD: What? Why is that, Teach?
BB: Four words, Bozzy, me ol' mate. Li'l. Miss. Ellen. Ternan.
CD: What?!? Shh!!!! Shush!!! Shush!!! You scoundrel!! How did you-?
BB: Know? Hah! Ev'rybody knows!
CD: How-
BB: Truth'll always out, Bozzy.
CD: But, but it isn't true, Teach! I was careful not to-no, no, you're trying to trick me, you devil! That is a slander and a falsehood, hear me? I cherish my wife too much to even consider-
BB: Bozzy...
CD: DAMN YOU, MY NAME IS MISTER CHARLES JOHN HUFFNAN DICKENS, BLACKBEARD! 'BOZ' IS MY NOM DE PLUME!! 'BOZ', NOT THAT SILLY 'BOZZY' ROT!! AND I AM ONE OF THE MOST RENOWNED, MOST RESPECTED AND MOST BELOVED ENGLISH WRITERS IN THE WORLD!! AND IN ALL OF HISTORY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
BB: Shak'spur's chopped liver, then?
CD: SHUT UP!! I AM AN ACTOR, LOYAL FRIEND, ADORING HUSBAND, DOTING FATHER AND A MOST ESTEEMED GENTLEMAN AMONGST MANY OTHER THINGS!!!
BB: Ye forgot pashernate lover.
CD: I SAID SHUT UP!! JUST!! SHUT!! UP!! (long pause)
BB: So are ye done now? Gotta catch yer breath?
CD: You, Teach...are a terrible, amoral pirate! Murderer! Thief! And a traitor to your country!
BB: Ah! Guess ye wasn't. But I b'lieve it's me turn now, Boz. (pause, chuckles) Zee. First o' all, callin' me Blackbeard ain't doin' me one whit o' dishonor, if that's what yer intention was. 'At's me own nickname and, wull..I'm historickle like you, so 'ow'd anybody know me else ways? Guess me sayin' 'Bozzy' 'stead o' 'Boz' is jest me way o' bein' a bit friendly. Nothin' wrong with 'at, is there? Oh, an' I do got a black beard anyways, don't I? (chuckles and fingers his beard) Ah, blessed be it! Such a beaut'ous sight to be'old! An' oh, so good also fer 'oldin' them li'l smoke makers! So good! (he lunges at CD with a loud roar as the latter retreats slightly) Ah, ain't th' same wi'out th' smoke. Tsk! But yeah, there's allat good shite ye ticked off - famed writer, friend, hus'ban', daddy, 'ats all very nice. Good fer ya. But ye know what, Bozzy?
CD (mumbling): What, you bastard?
BB: I know I'm-what did ye say?-a pirate, thief, murderer, traitor. Dunno 'bout bastard, tho'. Awrful. 'Orrible. A turrible man I am, an' yet I'm true to me own self.
CD: What are you saying?
BB: Sayin' there ain't no sham in me, Bozzy. I ain't no doctor, barrister, copper, priest, alms-giver, nothin' so 'igh an mighty an' respectable like 'at. It's jest Blackbeard th' bloody pirate fer ever an' ever an' ever! An' I couldn't be 'appier 'bout it neither! (chuckles) But you, yer jest the opposite o' me, Bozzy. Loved. Respected. Talented. World-famous. A gift ta English lit'rature, so ta speak. National treasure. (pause) An' yet ye got th' blot o' a whoremonger on yer soul.
CD (angrily dropping his quill and going for one of BBs pistols, which he levels at same): Oh! You-you shall not speak of Ellie or me like that! Scoundrel! Fucking...scoundrel!
BB (unfazed): Oof! Such unmannerly language from such a national treasure! (roars with laughter)
CD: Shut up!!
BB: Ye can't even hold 'at piece, Bozzy! Anyways it don't even work. Plastic.
CD: Oh my Lord, just one more word out of you, Teach, and I swear I'll-!!
BB: Cat knows.
CD: What?
BB: About ye an' yer...Ellie. Yer bootiful, bountiful, faithful an' lovin' wife knows 'bout yer canoodlin'.
CD (drops the pistol):No. No, it's not-no, I don't believe you.
BB: Like I said, truth'll always out.
CD: Wait, Teach, there's something's still amiss: how do you even know-what you say you do?
BB: Wull, Jesus tol' us back in th' Box a few days ago. Don' remember where ye was at th' time. He said not to bother askin' ye 'bout it 'cos ye'd only deny it. An' He knows ev'rythin' anyways so it stands ta reason. But He ain't why th' world is savvy 'bout it though. That's all 'istory an' 'istorians and whatnot.
CD (harshly): Well, then he's as big a scoundrel as you! For that matter so are these nosy historians you mention!
BB: Hey, we ain't none o' us judgin' ye, Bozzy. Remember Giacomo even tried ta high five ye?
CD: Giacomo is a bloody ass, a puffed-up paramour! Nothing at all like me! And once again, why should I really believe-
BB (exploding): OH, B'LIEVE IT, YE FUCKIN' SOD!! IT'S TRUE!! GO 'HEAD, ASK ANY O' THEM BACK IN TH' BOX LATER!! ANY ONE!! THEY AIN'T A-GONNA LIE!! AN' YE KNOW JESUS WON'T LIE 'BOUT IT NEITHER!! (stops to take a deep breath before calmly continuing on, but is still seething) Ye know, Bozzy, I'm done. Truth's out, whether ye like it 'r not. Been out for awhile now. An' married wimmens are always gonna figure it out sooner or later. Th' really smart 'uns, anyway. (pause) An' yer Cat's a really smart 'un.
CD (realization finally dawning, sotto voce): No. Oh...no.
BB (sighs): Ye know, Bozzy, I think I'll jest take me pistol back now an' leave ye ta yer newfound sorrow, do a bit o' canoodlin' o' me own in th' Box with th' bonny Miss Anne Bonney. Don't got any o' me other wives wi' me fer that tho', but love th' one yer with, I allus say. I c'ld try an' have a go at Marie again but...ye know. Like unto like. (he looks at CD who now sits despondently on the floor) If it's any comfort to ye, Bozzy, th' world often does forgive an' forget. (pause, more to himself) Usually.
CD (almost inaudibly): Just go if you're going. Blackbeard.
BB (chuckles): O' course, o' course. (bends over CD) An' I'll take a bit o' comfort in knowin' I may not be 'alf the monster ye are. (saunters off singing and holding his cutlass aloft) Ohhh sail away wi' me, oh lassie do, we'll 'ave lots o' fun, jes' ye an' me on th' Caribee, God bless us ev'ry one! (guffaws)
CD (sobbing): C-Cat. Oh, my Pig!...Oh, my Pig!...I'm so sorry...
END
WHO'S NEXT?
BB: Yahrr!! Arrr!! Now ye talk like a sexy pirate to me, Annie me gel! Arrgh!!
CD: Please don't take a picture, it's been a bad day! Please!
DB/3.2016
Music: 'Bad Day' by R.E.M.
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