SHE'S BACK!!! (kinda sorta)
This is the very first brief solo appearance (sans Mary Montague, Teddy Crewecott, etc.) I wrote of my titular gal nearly 20 years ago. I wanted to limn a young woman who was daring, earthy and shocking but not necessarily a flapper. This was a one-off fancy, though, and Aggie was not the more fully formed Galatea she is now. But as I come near to beginning the end (or ending the beginning?) of her story I thought, why not at last show you when she was probably a third to maybe half a Galatea. So here it is, word for word, or close enough to that. Enjoy!
Agrippina "Aggie" Dovecote is a tall, slender, auburn-haired, thirtyish young woman, actually one of the most beautiful Englishwomen ever to grace the 1920s...and one of the most vulgar and raucous women ever to epitomize it.
For example, she attends a friend's New Year's Eve masquerade ball in Chiswick (or Chelsea or wherever rich people hung out then) dressed up as the infant New Year, yet the only thing she wears other than her birthday suit is a cloth diaper pinned and girdled snugly around her loins but without the necessary sash (curious)-and NO ONE EVEN CARES!!! NO ONE!!!
Well after all, it is the 1920s. Women probably went out like that all the time (or if not, secretly and desperately yearned to.)
Anyway, Aggie is usually seen gorging herself at the buffet table on all manner of hors d'oeuvre and washing it all down with myriad bottles of imported American beer, sometimes letting it dribble down her cleavage between her full, round, moony white breasts.
And NO ONE EVEN CARES!!! NO ONE!!!
Ahem.
Incidentally Aggie likes strong, dark English beer, too, yet she feels it doesn't have the powerful Germanic flavor and kick of the good ol' American brewed (YEAH!!!)
So after about an hour of dancing, eating, drinking and revelry (it's nearly midnight now), Algernon Swinburne queries Titania, Queen of the Faeries whether or not her nostrils "detect the strong odor of...excrement, possibly the gift of some four-legged feline, canine, equine or bovine species of the animal kingdom...who wandered into the ballroom uninvited, unannounced and (gasp!) not dressed in accordance to the theme of this fete grande?"
She says "what? oh (sniff sniff). OH!!"
Eventually 100 guests do their best bloodhound imitations in search of this strange new albeit very unpleasant odor in their midst. And just like the bloodhound with his keen sense of smell they are able to pinpoint the odor's luckless originator.
Aggie blushes and grins drunkenly. "Well, as long's I 'ave 'em on why not use'm? Isn't that wot they're FOR, DAMMIT?! Oi, where's ever'body goin'? 'S almost midnight! Get back 'ere! HEY!"
Five, four, three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Aggie shrugs and toasts herself and the New Year with Punch's untasted glass of champagne. She then staggers to the guest bathroom, throws up in the toilet, unpins her diaper, drops it on the floor turds and all, steps into the bathtub and takes the longest, coldest shower ever in the history of her young life.
I'm going to pull the shower curtain now and let her finish cleaning up in private. Yet take one last glimpse of Agrippina "Aggie" Dovecote (in your mind, natch) as I do so, because you'll probably never, ever see her again.
Probably.
One more thing:
Aggie collects cuspidors, chamber pots and American cigar boxes. She doesn't smoke cigars, though, preferring only pipes, which are infinitely more distinguished.
DB/c1999, 11.2018
Have a happy
Have a great
One more try:
Have a very great and happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!! ('nuff said!)
No comments:
Post a Comment