The Right Answer: A One-Act Play

The scene is the office of Dr. Jackson T. Ripper, Headmaster of the St. Helpme School for Boys, Dunghil, Sexuss


Dr. Ripper (sternly): Well, Mr.Ass-I mean, Ash-you've been caught breathing quite heavily in Dr. Dumbloke's British History class again! Tsk tsk! What have you to say for yourself, eh?
Ash (timidly): Please, sir. I have asthma, sir.
Dr Ripper: That's no excuse for your inattentiveness! How are you to learn of the mistakes our sovereign nation made in the past such as making a hero out of Richard the Lion-Hearted or colonizing countries that even now probably still hate our bally guts? How, Ass, will you ever learn enough to refrain from involving yourself in ridiculous little wars initiated by fatuous politicians and a pointless monarchy. How, indeed, will you refrain from from heroically fighting in and quite losing your precious young life in those same ridiculous little wars in some quite godforsaken places just to be like another prideful Clive, Rhodes or Flashman? And all for empire, a transient (as they all are), bloated, insidious empire. Ours. And instead oh, what you'd really like is to squeeze the tits of that young bird you have back in...(dreamily) ahhh! Oh *ahem* but I digress. Quite sorry, Ass.
Ash: Ash, sir.
Dr. Ripper: What? Oh, yes. Quite right, quite right. Um, strike that last part I said from your memory, Ass.
Ash (Mona Lisa smile): Ash, sir. Which part was that, sir?
Dr. Ripper (hurriedly): Never you mind, now, never you mind. The point I'm trying to make, Ass-
Ash: Ash, sir.
Dr. Ripper (hotly): What the bloody hell ever! Look, you, the point I'm trying to make is that...is that...oh, hell, you tell me! I've quite forgotten what it was I've just said!
Ash (tentatively): Yes, sir. Well, sir, I think the whole point of your rather interminable speech-
Dr. Ripper: Watch it, boy! Impertinence!
Ash: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I think the whole point of your...well, it seems I'm supposed to live my life and do quite the opposite of what my Anglo-Saxon ancestors did, or something like that.
Dr. Ripper (brightening): Yes, yes, Ass, that's it! Bravo! You've actually learned something from my little speech!
Ash (half-mumbling): Interminable speech...
Dr. Ripper (raps Ash's knuckles once with a switch and vibrantly wags his finger with each syllable): Im-per-ti-nence!
Ash (stoically rubbing his knuckles): Sorry, sir. Ash, sir.
Dr. Ripper (softening): Oh, to Hell with it! Take the rest of the day off, Ash, as a sort of reward for your brilliant answer! I'll go even further and personally excuse you from the rest of your afternoon classes!
Ash (elated): Thank you very much, sir, especially for finally pronouncing my name correctly!
Dr. Ripper (strangely even more so): Think nothing of it, my good lad, think nothing of it! Here! Here's a couple of shillings! Go into the Dunghil Town chemist and tuck-shop and buy yourself the best asthma inhaler and the sweetest diabetes-causing candy you can find! On me!
Ash (beatific): Thank you, sir!
Dr. Ripper (nearly insane): Soddit! Here's a couple of tenners! Go to the Dunghil Town brothel and get a whore with the biggest...! (stops to consider) I say, Ash, how old are you?
Ash: Twelve, sir.
Dr. Ripper (pocketing the tenners): No, no, that won't do, Ash. You're not quite of age yet. Perhaps next year.
Ash: Yes, sir. I'll just stick to wanking for the nonce, sir, if you don't mind.
Dr. Ripper: What? Oh, yes. Yes, of course. You may go now, Ash. Do enjoy yourself.
Ash: Thank you, sir. (turns to go, stops) Oh, erm, if you don't mind my asking, sir...
Dr. Ripper: Yes?
Ash (eyeing him suspiciously): Do you really think I ought to live and do everything in my life differently than my ancestors did?
Dr. Ripper: Oh, bloody hell, no! I just said all that to see if you were paying proper attention and would give me a satisfactory answer. It was a bit of a test, you see, and you passed. Dr. Dumbloke would agree. The real truth of it is, you're British, Ash. What in God's name would people think if you didn't act like a nationalistic boor?
Ash (relieved): Thank you, sir!
Dr. Ripper: Which reminds me...(goes to a portrait of the British monarch hanging on the far wall and proceeds to French kiss it, nearly sobbing) I'm so, so sorry, Your Majesty, I never meant a word of any of it! I do love you so! Please, please forgive me, darling!! Please!!
Ash (both disgusted and envious): Shall that be all, sir?
Dr. Ripper (quick composure): Yes, rather, Ash. No, I should add that you must be in your regular classes tomorrow, yes?
Ash: Of course, sir.
Dr. Ripper: Oh, but don't forget your inhaler in future so Dr. Dumbloke or any of your other teachers won't grumble and send you back here again. Understood?
Ash: You're as clear as a bell, sir.
Dr. Ripper: Very well, then. Good-bye for now, Ash.
Ash: Good-bye, sir, and thank you. (exits, sotto voce) Ass.


DB/c1996, 2019


Not an Anglophobe, btw, far from it, but I REALLY am getting sick and tired of the old royals, the young royals and the young royals' newest Kleinen. No apologies.