These Idiots Couldn't Even Kill Time!

 

 

 

 

from "Holy Devil: The Musical" (aka "Really Rasputin")

Never, ever coming to a Broadway/off-Broadway/off-off-Broadway/community/dinner theater near you. 

Ever.

 

 

RASPUTIN (aside):

Did you see, did you see

That they tried to end the story

Of that son-of-a-gun,

Of your pal the great Grigory!

They tried to load me up

With dirty cakes and wine

But don't worry 'bout a thing,

This boy is feelin' fine! (belches)  'Scuse me! Ha ha ha!

Oh, they couldn't slay a giant,

Crush a bug, finish a crime! (winks)

Hell, these idiots couldn't even kill time!

(Nyet, nyet and nyet again! Ha ha ha!)

YUSUPOV, PAVLOVICH, PURISHKEVICH:

Yes we see, yes we see

That there stands the holy devil,

Yet he lives, so what gives?

Something isn't on the level!

What the hell did we do wrong?

This plot's gone so awry,

Something more must be done

To make him go bye-bye!

Oh, he's quite the fraud, he's not of God,

No, nothing so sublime,

But our poor Russia is running out of time!

(Oh, Lord help us!)

RASPUTIN:

But is this truly the end for me?

Is there nothing more?

Would the world just go on spinning?

That would be an awful bore!

And though I'd miss my new family here,

More I'd miss those on my Siberian sod...

Praskovya...Maria...I love you...I'm sorry...

But I must return to God!

YUSUPOV, PAVLOVICH, PURISHKEVICH:

We know fully what is needful

For the Duma and the State,

To keep our country sacrosanct,

Illustrious and great.

We heed the call of History,

And the holy czars before us

And know what finally must be done

As we complete this chorus!

Drum roll as Purishkevich produces a pistol and hands it to Pavlovich, who in turn hands it to Yusupov who levels it at Rasputin, who gulps comedically and inches upstage as he speedily sings:

RASPUTIN:

Ohh, they couldn't drown a witch,

Poison a rat, slice up a lime? (grins and shrugs) 

No, these morons,

These dullards,

These bastards,

These MURDERERS!!

These men who are the lowest form of slime!

No, these idiots couldn't even kill time!

Rasputin laughs and scarfs down one last cake before scurrying backstage as the others follow in pursuit. Shots ring out as the curtain falls.

 

DB/8.2020

 

EVER!!

BUT...if any of you who are amateur writers/poets (like me) or pros who want to try a fun writing exercise feel free to create a masterpiece or two (or more) with any of the cool non-instrumental song titles (even "Idiots" if you want) listed below. Think of this little catalog as a fresh new coloring book for your fertile and fervid imaginations! Yay!

Songs

"Wonderful Days! (God Bless the Czar!)"

"My Nicky! My Alix!"

"There's a Saint! (There's a Sinner!) in St. Petersburg!"

"Papa Grigory!"

"The Story of the Glass Boy and the Four Snow Princesses"

"Her Footsteps on My Steppes (So Far Away)"

"That Maniacal Mesmer, That Salty Svengali (Ladies Beware!)"

"Only to God"

"Duma Dupes"

"Bloody Sunday"

"War!" (Instrumental)

"Terrible Days! (God Save the Czar!)"

"Neva Moon Blues" (Balalaika Instrumental/Interlude)

"Kill the Holy Devil!"

"The German Whore Steers the Ship of State!"

"To the Health of Our Russia, Count Yusupov!"

"Water and Earth and Fire and Air"

"Drink! (Don't Think!)"

"These Idiots Couldn't Even Kill Time!"

"300 Years/Red Shadows"

"Ekaterinberg" (Instrumental)

"Semyastali (Family of Steel)"

"O Heavenly Father!"

"Better Days! (Peace! Land! Bread!)"