IV
Charles Dickens sniffs the air as he sashays with Lady Jane Grey and asks her if she notices a "certain *sniff*...rather strong odor in here, as if *sniff sniff*someone had allowed a farm animal inside as a joke and *sniff*and the animal...well, confound it, smell for your yourself, madam!" She also sniffs the air and echoes Charles' observation, as do other dancers who who stop and do their best bloodhound imitations. Very quickly all follow their noses to Aggie, who grins sheepishly at people gaping at her in jaw-dropping shock. Then as if psychically sharing the same thought they all, including a drawn Ginny and her fitful 'Cleo Duo', as it were, stumble collectively to the umbrella stand, nearly coming to blows as they make fevered grabs for the ones they arrived with, then wait at the door to bid their confused hostess a huffy "Good Evening!" before streaming outside.
"Hmpf! Well, 's long 's I'm wearin' 'em might 's well bloody use 'em, right?!" Aggie shouts angrily. "You were all in my way anyhow s' what choice did I 'ave - and you all so dad-gummed rude for not allowin' a beautifully naked an' nakedly beautiful gurgle-oh-oops, I mean gurgle(shit!) - GIRL! - to get to th' crapper (ha ha! 's what they call it in America too, no lie!) an' let 'er do 'er...whatnot. But fine, leave. Go. See all you nibs in July, then. Uh-oh, got yer attention there din't I? Hah! A'right then, I've been a very dirty girl an' I really need t' clean myself up now, so...g'night and get the hell out, all you horribly upstandin' an' terribly important peoples! Oh, an'...HAPPY NEW YEARRR!!" Aggie cackles and whirls her arms about in the empty space she now solely possesses, nearly keeling over but rescued in time by a concerned Emilie, who helps her step a little ways down the dimly lit hallway before being assured that she can move steadily enough on her own. Emilie looks after her for a few moments, then goes to the buffet table, pulls out one of the few unopened bottles of beer and rips the cap off with an opener while allowing the froth to drip messily onto the floor as she hurries back to the dais. She whispers something to the maestro, who nods and grins excitedly, then consults an equally enthusiastic orchestra, and soon the lively strains of the Brindisi from Verdi's La Traviata waft into the air. Emilie glugs heavily from her bottle as she faces the vacant room, then just before she sings raises high the bottle and in her rich soprano voice musically belts out one word: "SCHMPF!!"
"Schmpf!" weakly echoes a slurred voice from the hallway.
"Libiamo, libiamo ne'lieti calici che la bellezza infiora..."
After shuffling by more wall art and also small, askew tables covered in toppled and damaged Art Deco objets d'art between all of the bedroom suites, their doors ajar and the familiar hot stink of sex slapping her a little more into sobriety, not to mention the stentorian Welsh curses cannonading from Cadwyn's lips as she once again cleans up after the detested sybarites, Aggie finally reaches the last door at the end of the hall and nearly wrenches the knob off as she staggers into Mary's bedroom. Without so much as a glance at her surroundings, including yet again those powder blue walls, a Queen-sized canopied bed, walk-in closet, and a cozy little table and chair set in the corner Aggie slips into the adjoining bathroom, where she quickly hurtles herself down in front of the open toilet and retches violently into it while desperately anchoring onto its cold porcelain rim. In a short while she straddles the toilet, kicks off her sandals and carefully unpins her loincloth, which plops heavily into the bowl. The naked girl then scurries over to use the adjoining bidet, the frigid geyser of water jetting up between her buttocks making her gasp, then sigh deeply. As she sits and relaxes for a moment Aggie notices for the first time the shower running in the curtained tub in front of her, as well as pieces of men's clothing strewn all across the turquoise tile floor. She slowly looks up and recognizes the wet heads and faces of Oscar Wilde and Alfred, Lord Douglas thrust through the curtain and gazing at her with both curiosity and concern.
"Hullo, Diana, Adora," Aggie says dully. "Good to see you again. I simply loved your costumes tonight, though they look a bit out of place on the floor there."
"Heat of the moment. But I say, Aggie, are you all right?" asks Diana.
"Yes, has anything happened out there?" adds Adora
"Yes, ladies," sighs Aggie. "Something did happen, namely the party's over and I ended it. Please don't ask why or how, as I'm sure Mary or someone will shoot the dope straight into you. Or something like that. Damn it! I'm sorry, I just can't quite think clearly yet."
"Are you somewhat sloshed right now, Ag?" asks Diana.
Aggie roughly rubs her face. "It's not as bad as before; I actually sober up pretty fast, and the, well, purging seems to have helped some. I do think I'm feeling just a bit more jim dandy now. Oh, and don't use or flush this toilet yet, by the way, it's, um, not quite flushable. Or clean."
"Do we even want to know what-?"
"No, you don't. Believe me."
"All right. Glad we already made use of it, then. Well, as long as you're - what's that strange American term I once heard you use - ah, 'buck naked,' Ag, do you want to join us in here and get cleaned up a bit more?"
"Well, yes, I rather would but, um...I don't, um-"
"Um what?" asks Adora.
"I really don't - want to interrupt - whatever it is you - you're doing in there," Aggie replies haltingly. "If it's what I think."
Diana beams broadly. "It is, oh, it really is, Aggie!" she purrs.
Adora chuckles and shakes her head. "Oh, Di! But really, if you're concerned we shall simply wait 'til you're good and squeaky clean to-well, continue. It's really no trouble."
"I say, this is just a thought, but would you like Adora and I to assist you in washing up, especially if you're still not feeling cricket? And don't worry, we shan't do anything sapphic to you."
"And if you're feeling vulnerable do remember that we are all women here."
"And English," adds Diana.
"And buck naked at Mary's house," admits Aggie.
Diana and Adora roar with glee, then each push two glistening, slender white arms through the curtain and beckon to her.
"We've actually only been in here a short time, so come in now while the water's still nice and warm," says Diana.
"Well, Aggie?"
Seconds later Aggie steps carefully into the shower bath and is welcomed by the attractive young women who place her gently beneath the vertical cascade of invigorating water. She quietly allows them to lovingly lather and rinse nearly every inch of her body as she mentally mulls over the night's more memorable events, little by little, beginning with her humiliation of Teddy Crewecott and ending with the more recent moments of her own unfortunate but preventable situation and retreat to this intimate space with two accommodating ladies. And when she finally breaks, when they notice the tears at last dropping from her weary eyes and her shoulders shaking with her gasping sobs they awkwardly sandwich her in a slippery embrace and bless her with kind reassurances. Grateful for these little gestures and now feeling much less of a bete Aggie quickly rallies, and in a happy show of vibrancy trades banter and gossip with her shower-mates. One bit of fun, improvisational artistry thought up right there by Diana is for all three to pose as Raphael's "Three Graces", with each of them holding one of Mary's lavender pomme soaps, and the scene is quite graceful for nearly a minute...until Aggie breaks wind.
"What the hell are you cackling like bloody witches about in there?!" demands Mary from the other side of the curtain a moment later. "I'd ask you face to face but I'm not up for seeing any more naked people tonight. So?"
"Nuh-nothing, M-mary!" says Adora, barely containing her glee.
'Oh, quh-quite right, old g-girl!" adds Diana in much the same way.
"I just farted, Mary, and it was a real humdinger," chimes in Aggie, nothing daunted. "And speaking of my ass don't use the toilet yet, I haven't flushed it."
"Ohhh, I can see and...smell that quite plainly, my dear," answers Mary with a sternness that makes Aggie feel a bit uneasy. "Are you nearly finished with Ag, Diana? And Adora? Not in the way I'm expecting you to be, of course."
"Yes, I'm-I'm ready to come out now," Aggie says nervously, and cautiously slips back out through the curtain, Diana and Adora still giggling but patting their friend reassuringly on the shoulder before she exits. Mary stands clad in a cotton robe colorfully embroidered with all manner of English garden blooms, her jaw set, but flashes a wink to her relieved friend as she enfolds her in a clean white towel and takes up a smaller one to vigorously dry her hair.
"I can't believe what you did back there, Agrippina!" Mary says sharply. "Even with all your daring and defiance you've shown these past years you doing...that at my fancy dress party is-well, quite shocking!"
"Ah! Not so consarned rough! Look, Mary, I am sor-" she barely manages to say before Mary cuts in with, "Tsk! You should be sorry for tonight, Miss Agrippina Dovecote! Really you should! It's just unbelievable! Incredible! Revolting! Unsanitary! And bloody hell, I'll even say it again - shocking! And do you know what the really horrid part of it is?"
"No, what?"
A wry smile creeps over Mary's lips. "What you did...that, my dear, was originally my plan to end the party early! And I wasn't wearing any underwear, either! So thanks a lot!"
Aggie, Diana and Adora nearly die from their gasping guffaws.
"Breathe, ladies!" orders Mary, then kisses Aggie's forehead. "Little notion thief! Steal my lovely, deafening thunder, will ya?! Hm, looks like I'll need to use that firewood after all!"
"Ach, button your brown-hole, Mary!"
"Oh, yeah? Zip your lips," Mary slowly enunciates with another wink. "Get it?"
"Good lord, is that another family saying, too?"
"No, I think that one may be American."
"Really? 'Zip your lips'. I'll have to remember it. But Mary, you dirty gel, I'm beginning to think you need a good cleansing shower much more than I do tonight, like a punishing sort, complete with a rough, violent scrubbing and a carbolic soap enema!"
"Oh, my God! Ag, however did you discover my bathing routine?!"
"I didn't, it's actually mine."
"Might you have considered sometimes taking on someone to assist you, like an especially burly Bedlam matron with thick, angry red arms? Because Cadwyn can't, but then again she simply refuses!"
"That would be horribly lovely, but no, we poor girls usually go it alone, and I should mention right off that I usually don't stop scrubbing until I bleed out at least a pint's worth."
"Hah! Pint and a half, here! I win! And the...enema?"
"No, I've actually stopped doing that. I almost lost a whole bar up there once. You?"
"I, um...lost...two bars, oh, for God's sake!"
"Leaping lizards, that was fun, Mary!"
"Uhnnnn, oh, yesss!" Diana suddenly and mechanically exclaims. "Ahem! Yes. Oh, my Addie, do DO put your nice little finger up there where the sun does not shine and move it around very slowly! Just how I like it! Ahem! Cough! Oh yes, that's quite lovely! Ahem!"
"Oh, oh, Di, I can quite feel your wet, quivering womanhood! Cough, cough! Are you rather coming yet?"
"No, no, no, not quite! Not for quite a while. Yes. No. Cough, cough! Ahem!"
A bewildered Aggie and Mary soon see two pairs of eyes glance at them between the curtain slit, then dart away.
"OHHHH,YESSS!!" Diana booms. "UHNNNNNGGG!!!"
"We should probably go," Aggie says, smoothing down her hair as best she can.
"Not too much longer, ladies!" Mary warns. "Yes, Ag, and find you something to wear before you go home. It's getting late, too, so come on."
Mary crooks an arm around Aggie's shoulders as they head back into the bedroom.
"So where were we, Bosie?" purrs Diana.
TO BE CONCLUDED
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