NatGeo
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The non-profit "Friends of Big Bear Valley" in California became another casualty of President Trump's Executive order targeting those entities, and was forced today to cut the live feed of their popular eagles' nest cam showcasing the daily lives of Jackie and Shadow and their steadily growing family, disappointing millions of armchair bird watchers. "I hate eagles," grumbled the President. "I don't wanna talk about it."
DB/5.7.2025
TheUnyun
WASHINGTON, D.C.-President Trump has deported Vince Hardy and Tyler "Woot!" Schroeder, two phone pranksters lately of Newport News, Virginia, to the Scilly Islands located just off of England's southwest coast. The teens allegedly phoned the White House, got connected to the President in the Oval Office, and alternately imitated the character Hannibal Lecter from the 1991 film The Silence of the Lambs, inviting him to dine not only on the famous "liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti" but also on "an amuse-douche, schmuck a l'orange, boob-labaisse, with some Stoli vodka." "If these two clowns want to be silly," the President said today, "they can go to those islands where all the silly people are."
DB/4.23.2025
Sy (SI)
AUGUSTA, GA.-Officials at the Augusta National Golf Club have, much to the chagrin of next year's would-be competitors, canceled the 2026 Masters Tournament and proactively awarded the coveted Green Jacket to President Trump. "Finally I'm getting recognized for my spectacular golf game," he said today. "This is a huge honor, and only proves I'm the greatest golfer ever, even better than that Jack Nicholson loser."
DB/4.19.2025
Emesssennbeecee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-With the aid of Elon Musk's DOGE employees, President Trump today ordered the dual fiery destruction of the august Library of Congress and the National Archives buildings. "American history has been very woke and unfair to white people, so those places needed to be permanently destroyed," he announced at a press conference. "Our history now will begin anew at 'Year Zero' and be made great again by me. Maga!"
DB/2.27.2025
SeeEnnEnn
WASHINGTON, D.C.-President Trump today signed two Executive Orders, one effectively approving the felling of California's famed redwood trees in a nod to the timber industry, and a second one renaming the state's giant Sequoia tree General Sherman after himself. "The redwood trees are a very bad fire hazard, very bad, and need to go, so there'll be no need to rake the forest floors anymore," he said. "And I'm just like a great general who's trying to make America great again, so who better than me to give that tree my name? Who even knows who that Sherman guy was, anyway? No one, that's who! Loser."
DB/2.14.2025
Emily Wilding Davison
💪
In Truth, your name has rare been sung,
With Clio's golden lyre unstrung.
You stood 'gainst Men with righteous clenched fist,
Men who have called you 'terrorist',
Girt with gullet of Iron, spine of British Steel,
You ne'er once would deign to kneel,
And join'd with your Sisterhood so true,
Maybe used that badass suffrajitsu.
But like a soldier charging across scorched Earth,
You spilt your blood 'pon Epsom's turf.
Tho' blest and curs'd hath been your Name,
I bring you here a bit more Fame.
So Women, hear me and take note:
Do what she fought to do--and Vote!
DB/2.13-14.2025
Music: "Emily Davison" by The Greg Kihn Band
Note: I call this a "False Sonnet" because as I was composing it I totally forgot about the true rhyme scheme (ABAB CDCD...etc.) even though it's still 14 lines. But I do love it, and I hope you will, too.
Also, Happy Valentine's Day, all you Lovers and Dreamers!💖
Fawkes
WASHINGTON, D.C.--President Donald Trump, in one of the first acts of his second term, signed an executive order making the 1978 Disco hit "Y.M.C.A." by The Village People the new National Anthem, effectively replacing "The Star-Spangled Banner", composed by Francis Scott Key in 1814. "I like it a lot, much better than that boring 'Banner' one," the President said today. "It's a lot of fun, and so much nicer to dance to. And the words, the beautiful words are much more easy to remember. I mean, who even knows the words to the 'Banner' one, right? No one, that's who!" The Republican-controlled Congress then quickly created and passed a bill qualifying the President's act, further ensuring the Trumpian sluttification of the Grand Old Party.
DB/1.17.2025
By all means make "slut" the new "weird". Please.
